Sunday, January 24, 2010

the hardy boys


Yes, I read them. All of them.

I remember one day reading one of those mysteries and happening upon the word 'chaos.' I was in the car on the way to violin lessons with my mom and my sister. I said the word aloud. Ciao-s. Like goodbye in Italian with an ess tacked on to the end. Like house, but ch-ow-se.
"Spell it," my mom said.
"c-h-a-o-s."
"Kay-oss," my mom laughed.

I went home after violin and looked up 'chaos' in our dictionary. I had heard the word a million times in spoken language, but I had never seen it on the page. The lightbulb went on.

I was talking to Abby the other day about learning new words. I remember being able to broaden my vocabulary when I was younger without nearly as much effort as I must put in at my age now. Why is that? Regardless, it's frustrating. I can look up a word here and there and yet, still, I can forget it. But when I looked up words when I was younger, they stuck, and I didn't have to look them up multiple times.

English Major

My spindly silvery-haired wart of an advisor advised me that non-science majors were highly sought after in medical schools (for diversity's sake, of course.) I do think he is right, and I was definitely glad to hear it as I was dreading what might fall from his droopy mouth when I brought him the paperwork for "Drama Major, pre-med requisites."
"Ahh," he said, barraged me with questions, then finally signed it.
Upon viewing an awful rendition of Romeo & Juliet (yes, entirely possible) and sampling some of the department's classes, I decided that I would rescind my application to the drama department. Seeing that one was not required to formally declare one's major until Jr. year, I left it open and took a smattering of classes in religion, philosophy, chemistry, biology, art, you get the point. Slightly un-focused? Oh, but it was fun, and I wouldn't take it back for the world.
Though it was intellectually stimulating, I was sad there to say the least, so I transferred. The only reason I was sad to leave was because I would miss my professors and I because I had been chosen as a daisy.



Anyhow, I was a little hesitant about moving to Bozeman. It's wild what people will fill your ear with if they are loyal to Mssla.
And finally, to the unfolding of my English major. I had decided before registration that I was going to be a Lit. major, end of story. Why? I like stories. Forget the whole doctor thing. I remember scrolling through the names of English professors, wondering about these people. I tried to imagine them from their names. I thought Sexson might be extremely tall, dry, and overly serious, and I envisioned Minton with oval glasses and long brown hair. Of course in the end, even though I imagined them incorrectly, I apparently typed in the right CRN's because I stumbled into some great people without many hiccups.
And so I took:

CHEM 131 Chemistry I TA 3.530 marianne begemann
ELEC 100 Western Drama TB 3.530
ELEC 100IA Art of Film TB 3.530
ELEC 100IH Western Philosophy I TB+ 3.530 michael murray
ELEC 100RA Drawing/Design TA 3.530 gina ruggeri
ELEC 100RN Biology I TB+ 3.530
ELEC 200 Post Colonial Literature TB 3.530
ELEC 200 Buddhist Monastery Intern TP 1.765 rick e.h. jarow
ELEC 200D Religions of Asia TB+ 3.530 rick e.h. jarow
ENGL 121W Travel Writing TB 3.530 amitava kumar
MLF 101 French 1 TA- 3.530 paul fenouillet
MLF 102D French 2 TA 3.530 paul fenouillet
PSY 100IS Intro to Psychology TA- 3.530
---TRANSF---
ART 111RA UG 3-D Art Fundamentals
CHEM 132 UG General Chemistry II
CLS 201US UG Knowledge and Community
ENGL 123IH UG Introduction to Literary Study
ENGL 221 UG College Writing II porter
ENGL 238 UG Struct & Funct of Language
MATH 160Q UG Precalculus sabrina
ENGL 213 UG Classical Fndtns of Literature sexson
ENGL 216 UG British Literature I minton
ENGL 217 UG British Literature II
ENGL 300 UG Surv of Lit Criticism
PHYS 221 UG Honors Gen & Mod Phys I

and this semester it's:
-Shakespeare
-Emergent Lit
-Epiphanies of course
-Independent study Ulysses
-Nutrition
-Early American Lit
-19th c British Lit

When I consider what really drew me to become an English major, I recall my childhood, which was entirely full of books. I relish hearing the story of when I read my first word. And of course I also love watching the video that my Grandma made of my sister and I strutting our reading skills for the camera. It's quite comical. I'm sitting on the piano bench wearing a neon orange headband, solo at first, reading some story to the camera in a whiny 6 yr. old voice. Next thing you know, Lauren runs in with a pile of books and shoves her way onto the bench next to me. I try to push her off but am eventually required to let her join. She's jealous that she is too young to read, but wants to badly. She flashes up the first book (upside down) and moves her mouth open and shut silently, nods her head, and flips pages sporadically, hmming and hahing to imply she is thoroughly enjoying her books. She manages to "read" 8 books by the time I finish one. It's side-splitting to watch (and my sister thinks so too now of course.)

Last month I was at my parents' house on Christmas eve sorting through a box of old pictures, and I found a photograph that really epitomizes most of my vacation memories as a little girl. The four of us (mom, dad, lauren, me) sitting outside a tent. Dad is playing guitar. Lauren is eating something. Mom is doing my hair, brushing it hard, putting it in a ponytail, and my face is shoved in a book, straining to continue reading despite the whole hair process. This is exactly how I remember family vacations. I would always check out as many books as I could from the library then hole myself up in the house to read them all. My mom would get SO mad because she wanted me to spend time with the family.

I too, like ZuZu, love foreign languages and language in general. In the future I would like to learn Korean and Swedish. Words are beautiful. As it might take weeks to formulate an acceptable and adequate explanation of the beauty of words, I must refrain from attempting to do so tonight.

I continuously consider where this Lit major is taking me. Truthfully, I don't know. After a few years of something, I look forward to grad school somewhere. How vague of me. But I do know that words intrigue me because they are the basis of everything; words enable us to engage one another, communicate, learn, be. Language and meaning are inevitable to a culture, to a group of people.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Dream Epiphanies?

I once had what I believe to have been some sort of an epiphany. It was a dream. I'll briefly recount what led up to the dream.

So my dad has always been a big part of my life. When I was about 8ish he took a trip with all of his dude-friends and dad-friends to Colorado for several weeks. To say the least I was very upset as I had not been away from him for that length of time before. I think it is for this reason that I latched on so tightly to the gift he brought back for me when he returned. It was a necklace strung on black leather with two turquoise beads sandwiching a metal pendant with the infinity symbol. I wore this necklace religiously and never took it off for Anything. One day I woke up and it was gone. I searched high and low for it for literally two weeks. I know it sounds ridiculous but I was absolutely distressed, and I refused to let it go.
One morning as I was eating breakfast I suddenly remembered a dream I had had that night. I dreamed that I had found my necklace. Specifically, I dreamed that I had found it between my mattress and the box spring. I remember sitting at the breakfast table dressed in this huge t-shirt that my dad had also brought back for me, and thinking to myself "what a weird dream." This day was a weekend and therefore I went outside and played with my friends after breakfast. A few hours later I had the odd impulse to just check under my mattress for my necklace just in case. I mean you never know. what if? I honestly expected to be let down, but of course it was there, weirdly enough. I do still have the necklace, but it's so small on me now!

Rose

Rose - past tense of rise. Rose - the flower.

"the lotos rose" (Burnt Norton 36)

I suppose this is entirely Joycean to do, and I fully realize that Eliot uses the word 'rose' as in the verb, but I also see rose as a flower rose because of the numerous references to roses throughout the Quartets.

They are all so strange but wonderful. Below are six rose references:
"the flame is roses, and the smoke is briars" (East Coker 166).
"The salt is on the briar rose" (The Dry Salvages 25).
"Late roses filled with early snow?" (East Coker 57).
"But to what purpose / Disturbing the dust on a bowl of rose-leaves / I do not know" (Burnt Norton 15-17).
"for the roses / Had the look of flowers that are looked at" (Burnt Norton 28-9).

AND of course at the very END, "And the fire and the rose are one" (Little Gidding 259).


So why the rose? To be honest, I don't even really like roses all that much. They prick you when you hold them. Nonetheless, they are steeped with meaning.

My mom was Rose Queen in 1975. I don't know much about it because she sort of brushes it off when I ask her, but she has an actual sceptre that was given to her. It is SO heavy and truly does resemble something I imagine a queen to have held in Elizabethan times. The STRANGEST thing about all of this is the night of my mom's coronation (told to me by my Granny.) Apparently all of the princesses appeared in front of the attendees one by one and had to pull a rose from a vase. Each rose stem carried on it a prompt for an impromptu speech. I don't know the exact prompt or speech (I will ask my mom,) but my mom gave her speech on words and the ocean. And at the very end of the Four Quartets (recognized by Brianne's blog name,) Eliot writes, "Not known, because not looked for / But heard, half-heard, in the stillness / Between two waves of the sea" (249-51). But this is all Tradition and Tralatition.

In The Dry Salvages, Eliot writes:
"I sometimes wonder if that is what Krishna meant—
Among other things—or one way of putting the same thing:
That the future is a faded song, a Royal Rose or a lavender spray
Of wistful regret for those who are not yet here to regret,
Pressed between yellow leaves of a book that has never been opened." (124-8)

I interpret this as 'the future has already been written'; it's a faded song pressed in a book, already typeset. From the moment something begins, matters of how it will be played out are already settled. I read the Bhagavad Gita several years ago for the class with Professor Jarow that I mentioned on my Emergent Lit blog. The Eleventh Teaching was always impressive to me simply because of how visual it was. This website helped remind me of the 11th teaching. Now I realize that it struck me so powerfully because it is epiphanic; it is seen, overwhelming, whole, and radiant. I went back through it and realized as well that the 11th teaching is even subtitled "The Vision of Krishna's Totality. Vid, veda. I also realized aside from being epiphanic (seen rather than heard in Arjuna's words to be exact) that the conversation between Arjuna and Krishna touches as well on the concept of the future already having been written. Arjuna says to Krishna:
"I heard from you in detail
how creatures come to be and die,
Krishna, and about the self
in its immutable greatness.

Just as you have described
yourself, I wish to see your form
in all its majesty,
Krishna, Supreme among Men."

In return Krishna speaks:
"I am time grown old,
creating world destruction,
set in motion
to annihilate the worlds;
even without you,
all these warriors
arrayed in hostile ranks
will cease to exist. . .
They are already
killed by me."

----------------

At this point I am most intrigued by the first of the Four Quartets. Burnt Norton. Why burnt? A name? A garden?

Like others, I too was very much taken by the idea of the box circle and discovered on this website that the box circle is what traditionally marks the very center of formal gardens. "It is set so that the person looking from the upper story of a house overlooking the garden will see at it's exact center a circle inscribed in a square, usually with four entrances in the center of the side of the square."

Here is a rose garden in Portland.



It actually looks very much like a mandala.
--------------------------------------
Other moments that struck me:

"Only through time time is conquered" (Burnt Norton 89).

"Home is where one starts from" (East Coker 190).
I can only think of Anna Livia. "Home!"

p.s. I do not understand what Eliot means by "fare foreward."